You Are What You Believe

I didn't do the assignment. In fact, I wasn't even 100% sure as to where my card and verses of truths were located. I opened my computer to begin my blog post and just sat thinking about why this assignment was so much harder than the previous ones. I tried to justify myself by claiming I was busy, preoccupied, etc. Eventually, reality punched me in the face. I flat out neglected it. I deliberately chose not to remember to do this assignment. I sat there dazed as I whispered, "Father, show me. I'm listening". I was finally choosing to remember and I grabbed my "Identity Gap" card for the first time since class.

Identity Gap:

"The belief that I am everyone's second choice. I am the "free" part of the "buy one get one free" deal. People take me because I am free and available, but they would never go out of their way to get me. I am not completely useless, but everything I have to offer is replaceable by something better. I am never anyone worth choosing first dibs on."

As I read those words on my card, they didn't even sting. They were all to familiar and resonated deeply with me. The lies in those words were no longer painful because they just felt like factual words. My identity gap was a fact and I just had to get over it and move on. So I did. I just began to accept this reality and run with it. Instead of wasting time trying to measure up and become first choice, I just decided I would neglect myself all together and put all of my efforts towards lifting other people up. There was no point in sulking in my inadequacies, I may as well invest all of my energy into encouraging other people.


I sat there thinking and was reminded of some words a friend gave me a couple months ago. She had this picture of me with a clipped tongue. One side of my tongue was speaking truth, love, and life over the people around me and encouraging them. While the other side of my tongue was doing the opposite for myself. One side love, one side hate. One side truth, one side lie. One side life, one side death. My tongue is constantly at work beating myself down as I encourage others. I realized even just this week my clipped tongue was at work. I remember multiple times where I was able to encourage people and speak truth over them, while I sat there neglecting this assignment because I didn't think I deserved to receive truth.


I then realized that I was the biggest source in feeding the lies within my identity gap. I neglected the assignment, just as I felt I deserved to be neglected. I spoke these truths over others, instead of myself. I fed my identity gap and blinded my eyes from the truth. And now I sit here, realizing I need to scream the truth at myself. I need to remind myself that Jesus died for ME. I was on trial for death and he said "I'll take her! Whatever the cost, it doesn't matter. I want her. I CHOOSE her". And I would like to think He would do it all again. I think He would pick me first. I think He would die even if I was the only person to die for. I think He would take dibs on me. And now I just pray that my "I think" can turn into "I believe". I pray that these truths aren't just head knowledge, but heart knowledge. I finally picked up my bible and verses of truth and landed in Ephesians.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." Ephesians 1:4-5

With that, I will choose to believe. I will try to let the lies starve and only feed the truth. Even when I don't feel like it's doing anything, I will trust that speaking these truths are internally changing me. I will eventually understand that I am chosen. And not just the leftovers, but the first choice pick.

Perfume Coated Sin

As I opened up to Matthew 16:24-26,  I saw the words "Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus". I knew where this was going. I knew why we were standing in an empty warehouse. I knew we were going to make our crosses, carry them, and ponder the meaning of the cross. As Dr. Dangaran continued to read the passage, I let my mind wander into rebellion. I had done this before, I knew the moral of the story and didn't feel like doing it all again.

Will you still let me speak to you, Jess?

Those words pounded through my ears. I had a choice. A choice to go through the motions of the project or to choose to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to me as I did the project. As conviction set in, I asked the Holy Spirit to change the state of my heart to a posture of receptivity. As I collected my wood to make my cross, I stared at it imagining what I could do to make a really cool looking cross. I measured, cut, and began to assemble my perfectly symmetrical cross. I searched through the bin of screws and nails to find four that were as close to identical as possible. I assembled my perfect cross and admired how aesthetically appealing it was, until I noticed the tiniest split in my wood. My perfect cross now had this tiny blemish that was screaming its imperfections at me. I began to problem solve. Maybe I can take it apart? Maybe there's some extra wood and I can make a new one? Maybe I can cut it down smaller and cut out the split part? Maybe I can...

Jess, why are you trying to make your sin look pretty?

Ouch. The reality of the words of the Holy Spirit sunk deep into my heart. I couldn't even muster up excuses, I was stunned by the conviction that was residing in my soul. I stared at my perfectly measured cross and felt sick to my stomach. It was a replica of my life. After spending 23 years of my life listening to people speak of the cross and sacrifice Jesus made, I was inclined to do what I could to "clean up" the reputation of the cross. I felt the need to take it into my owns hands by admitting my sin, but making it seem like the not-so-bad kind of sin. I realized I felt guilty that Jesus died for my sin, my mistakes, my flaws. Not only did He die; He was tortured, ridiculed, and murdered for things I had done. I took the hammer and began slugging my cross. Fragments of wood went flying everywhere and my fingers were impaled with splinters. I stared at my mangled cross as my soul quietly whispered, "I'm sorry".  Sorry for downsizing the reality of the cross. Sorry for spraying perfume over my foul sin. Sorry for attempting to beautify the weight of the sacrifice of my beloved Savior. Then my sorry's transferred into thankfulness. Thankfulness that I didn't have to carry the weight of my sin.

For me, the "Carrying Your Cross" activity ended there in the warehouse. As I have carried my cross, I haven't really processed much more than what happened in the warehouse. I've primarily been revisiting my interaction with the Holy Spirit as I destroyed my "perfect" cross. In the process of un-perfecting my cross, I pinched myself and got a blood blister on my finger. The past few days this blister has been a reminder of the blemish of sin that stepped into humanity. But, as I have looked at this blemish on my finger, I've been able to hold onto my cross and remember the price that has been paid. I've been reminded that sin isn't pretty. Yet, through the blood of Jesus Christ on the cross, I have been reconciled to my Creator and I have been named spotless, blameless, holy.

With that, I can rejoice.

The Unknown Monster

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that the prisoner was you"

-Lewis B. Smedes

The above quote has been a theme quote for my life. I've realized that when I am unwilling to forgive, I unknowingly make myself a prisoner. This happens more often then I care to admit. It is usually a small seed of hurt that gets planted into my heart and blooms into a monster of bitterness and resentment. I rarely process or recognize the hurt, which results in me allowing the unforgiving monster to grow. But when I intentionally set aside time to ask the Holy Spirit if I am withholding forgiveness from someone, He always shows me someone I never expected. It's amazing to me how I don't recognize that the smallest things affect me.


As I took time to listen to the Holy Spirit's leading, He clearly reminded me of a situation with a friend where I was withholding forgiveness. The only problem was that the situation happened almost TWO YEARS AGO. Now, asking for forgiveness is one thing. I can handle that. But admitting that I had unknowingly been resenting someone for something they did two years ago....now my pride can't deal with that.


Eventually I realized that setting aside my pride was the cost I had to pay to kill this bitter, resenting monster inside of me. After a bit of a wrestling match, I realized it was a price that I was willing to pay in order to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. So I had a conversation with this person and acknowledged the hurt, said I was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 

And I felt exactly the same. 

I felt a bit of a sense of relief that there was no longer a seed of bitterness, but overall I didn't feel any major change. There were no tears. There was no yelling. There was no booming voice of the Lord interfering. But it happened. And although I didn't feel any major difference, I believe that God knew I was a prisoner to this unforgiving monster and that He had a better plan for me. Despite the fact that it felt like I became vulnerable for no reason, I trust that the result was God transforming me. This process began as a "forgiveness project", but the moral of the story was obedience and trust. 

Obedience in responding to the Holy Spirit and trust that He will follow through with the heart change.

The Process of Emptying

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.”

Philippians 2:5-7 

As we have been discussing Philippians 2:5-7 in class, I have been staring at the word “emptied” hoping that I will randomly have some deeper understanding of what it really means. Part of me just wanted to go and mindlessly do a service act for someone so I could just check off this project from my to-do list. But, my prayer throughout this school has been to actually let my heart engage, not just go through the motions. After some praying and thinking, I realized that I see this act of “emptying” as a side effect of humility. This verse speaks of Jesus' posture of humility. He is not concerned about his divine status, authority, notability, etc., instead He has the humility to set it all aside and become a servant. For me, applying this act of "emptying" meant I would be practicing humility. In order to practice humility, I must face my nemesis....pride. 

pride (/prīd/): Undue confidence in and attention to one's own skills, accomplishments, state, possessions, or position. Pride may appear in many forms, such as spiritual pride. 

Even just looking at the word makes me cringe. Pride is a common enemy for me. Over the years, as I have attempted to conquer my pride, my pride has gotten better at disguising itself. A few years ago, I felt like I always had to be the girl that “has it all together”. Eventually, God scraped away that pride, but I realized that a different spiritual pride replaced it. I discovered I was okay with being vulnerable with people and “not having it all together” in my faith...

...as long as people understood that I did not need help from anyone other than God.

 I thrived off of being the girl that had mess in her life, but leaned so hard into God that she didn't need other people to help. All this to say, I felt like my “emptying” assignment was to be humbled by asking someone for help and encouragement. If I am being honest, I was pretty upset when God spoke this. Asking for help and encouragement sounded like one of the most painful processes to me. And on top of that, the person God put on my heart to share with was a friend that makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable (in a good way). Our friendship is in the phase where we are far beyond surface conversation, but not quite to the point where I have let all my walls down. And that feels like a very vulnerable state to me. As I fumbled over my words attempting to ask her for help, I could feel my pride screaming inside of me, “SHUT UP!”. I honestly think there was one point where I almost threw up because I so desperately did not want to be exposed. Exposed as someone who is indeed human. Exposed as someone who does in fact need people in her life. Exposed as someone whose pride was leaking out of them. 

And exposed was exactly how I felt. 

The few seconds of silence between the two of us felt like eternity. In that moment I not only felt exposed, but I felt like I was being emptied. As she responded and spoke life and encouragement into me, I felt like she stabbed me with a straw and I could watch my pride leak out with every word she said. The rest of our interaction was wonderful and probably permanently life changing, but it’s irrelevant to this post. The act of exposing myself, being humbled, emptied and encouraged was all what God had asked of me. 

The fact that I engaged in this project doesn’t mean I will forever be emptied and humbled. I am far from it. Even now, I feel like I am having a vulnerability hangover thinking back to what I shared with her (and the fact that at least 10 other people are required to read this post). Even now, I want to collect my bricks of pride to put up walls between humanity and myself. Even now, I still wonder if I even understood this Kenosis Project at all. Yet, the reality of my heart is that I desire to be exposed, humbled and emptied all for the purpose of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. 

And for that, it's worth it.